New York State Of Mind...

Today is "that day." October 25th. How do I feel about it? I really don't know.

I remember that first October 25th after "it" happened. I relived every moment. I remembered how Paul told me Melanie was "gone" and how I had to tell my parents and brothers. I remember the look on my mother's face and her horrifying cry. I remember my Dad grabbing his chest and his look of such hurt and anguish. I remember falling down in the yard and throwing up. I relived it all.

I remember the second October 25th. When October 1st rolled around, I started dreading "that day." I learned that year that the dread of the day is worse than the actual day itself.

I remember the third and fourth October 25th's. I was prepared for it...knew how I was gonna' feel and knew the right words to say when people asked how I was doing.

Then...there's the fifth October 25th. And...I really don't know how I feel about it. This one is so different for me. I'm in a different state with different people at a different church and in different weather. Everything's just...different. I feel different. I look different. Even the word "different" is starting to sound different.

Years ago, Mel moved to Pittsburgh to work at a newspaper. She moved there knowing no one, with no one, and having no place to live. After spending a few days with her in an unsuccessful effort to help her find an apartment, my parents and I left her at a hotel and headed back to Alabama. I'll never forget turning around, waving, and crying. I watched her until I could no longer see her hand waving. The look on her face...it was one of complete fear, excitement, and accomplishment.

Melanie wasn't afraid of anything...except spiders.

One day, she was walking through my parents' living room and came to a sudden halt...her eyes crossed. She was face-to-face with a spider who was all balled up and dangling from the ceiling fan. Melanie screamed in complete terror. If you've ever heard her squeal, you understand how loud it was. Apparently, spiders can hear 'cause this one starting wiggling its legs and trying to get away. I think the spider was more scared than she was. Realizing she "owned" the situation, Mel stood there and screamed over and over and over just to torture it.

Melanie was single and way overweight. She started most of her newspaper jobs (Decatur, Florence, Pensacola, USA Today, Pittsburgh, Knoxville, and Columbus) not knowing one person. The odds were stacked against her most times, but she walked in with her head held high and left there owning every situation. People fell in Love with her everywhere she went.

I used to think Melanie and I were a lot alike. During this move, I've realized how far beneath her I am. I think she'd be extremely proud of me for stepping out and leaving my comfort zone, but I think she'd be completely disappointed with my attitude and my fear.

For years, I've put my life on hold waiting for that "that guy." I've complained for a long, long time about feeling alone, worthless, etc. I seem to be really good at feeling sorry for myself...looking at what I DON'T have rather than what I DO have. Melanie felt those same feelings, but she sure didn't waste a lot of time getting down and out about it. She made the most of EVERY situation. I...do not.

Five years and one day ago, we had our last phone conversation. During that conversation, she convinced me to move to Columbus, GA. That day, she begged me to pursue my dreams and quit putting my life on hold. We talked about living so close to each other...going places and doing things together. We were both so excited, laughing so hard, and squealing so loud. During that conversation, she convinced me I could do and be anything, go anywhere, and accomplish anything I wanted to accomplish. During that conversation, I felt like my life was about to change forever.

So...here it is five years later. I haven't forgotten that conversation. I haven't forgotten that feeling...that excitement...that confidence...that boldness.

Melanie...I'm listening. I'm doing it. I remember your voice...I remember your words.

"Only you can make the decision to truly live. Only you can decide to live the life you were intended to live...and with all the potential you were intended to live it with."

Okay, Mel...let's do this.

Epiphany...

There's something about coming to a place in life where you realize who you are and who you are not.

There's something about realizing that anything is possible if the mindset is right.

And...there's something about remembering how big the world is. It's much bigger than just one person, one family, one church, one organization...one anything. No ONE thing should dictate a mood, a hurt, or a day.

There's also something about eyes being opened to understand that presence of absence (if that makes any sense) can be a good thing.

There's something about knowing deep down that the only things needed are food, water, shelter, and clothing...and a relationship with Christ. Nobody "needs" anybody...we want them.

Without going into great detail and without repeating previous posts...I'm beginning to feel like a rather different person these days...inside and out. I don't know why and I don't fully understand it, but...it's as if a light has just popped on in my head. Geez...I'm only 34! It's about time!

I've been wrapped up in a few things, people, issues, concerns...just "stuff." One of the MAJOR problems I have is internalizing things, taking things too personal, and making it about "me." I can't believe I'm saying this, but...it's REALLY not about ME! WHAT?! HAHA! (just kiddin')

I constantly overanalyze, overly criticize myself (and others), and I reach a point of hurt way too quickly. I TRULY, TRULY believe it's because I've had ZERO confidence in myself.

I've been "sweatin' the small stuff" WAY WAY WAY too much...in EVERY area. Maybe I've reached this point 'cause I'm simply tired! My mind is tired! I see one small thing, think about it for a while, then it just gets bigger and bigger in my mind.

Proverbs 17:14, "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so, drop the matter before a dispute breaks out." (New International Version)

Hey, Sherrie...LET IT GO! Daggum...I gotta' just LIVE. Have fun!

Here it is...I have made life difficult most times for no other reason but ME.

I'm beginning to realize I can do anything I want to do. I don't need anybody's permission or anybody's belief. I can do it on my own.

(for the overly Spiritual out there who are gearing up to call me out...God IS and understood here)

Obviously, everybody wants close friends, encouragement, and accountability. However, it is NOT someone else's responsibility how far I go, if I reach my goal, or to keep me happy. I've used a lot of excuses and crutches in my life...I can come up with a million of 'em.

Maybe I'm behind the times and perhaps this is something you've learned long ago. It's something I've always known, but something I never lived.

So...for those in my far and recent past whom I have depended on too much, talked about my "issues" with too much, sucked the life out of too much, worn out my welcome with, and disappointed too much...I absolutely, totally, and 100% apologize. I don't need you anymore. I want you.

I can do this life thing. I want to do it.

Deep Thoughts by Sherrie Hiett...

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING WORDS MAY NOT MAKE A LICK OF SENSE TO ANYONE READING AND--IF THEY DO MAKE SENSE--MAY CAUSE SEVERE BRAIN OVERLOAD.

Been thinkin' a lot about 2009. It's a year I would rather forget in many respects. I understand we learn from our mistakes and they make us a better person and we should never regret anything and they'll only make us stronger...blah blah blah. BUT...I'd still like to take a giant eraser and make some memories a complete blank.

I experienced a lot of "firsts" last year (not one "first" in particular, so...get your mind out've the gutter, please). I did a lot of things, said a lot of things, went to a lot of places, and reached a lot of low's I never thought I would or could. I became a person I didn't even know...and I never want to know again.

2009 = Humbling...

I did, however, come to a lot of conclusions during those twelve long, weird, exciting, terrible, wonderful, awkward, stupid months. A lot of what I experienced emotionally probably just comes with age, I'm sure. True self-discovery is never easy, I've learned. It's a process that takes a toll on the emotions...and on the body. My mental state completely affected my physical health. The Word says in Proverbs 17:22, "...a broken spirit drains your strength."

I resolved that I am who I am...and that's not a bad thing. I Love deeply, I'm shy at times and outspoken at times, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm "Sappy McFlappy," I Love encouraging others and helping them see there's a beauty in their past no matter what they've done, and...I'm a work in progress.

I Love people, but find I judge too harshly when I shouldn't judge at all. I do the things I don't want to do and don't do the things I know I should. Though I don't want to be, I find I'm double-minded in some areas. I know my marriage is in God's Hands and timing, but I'm lonely and almost hurt/mad at God for making me wait. I believe completely in the Lord's unconditional Grace and Mercy for others, yet feel everyday I've been a huge disappointment to Him. I believe there's a beauty in vulnerability, but so afraid people won't Love me once they truly know me.

WHEW!!!!!

All of the above came crashing down on me in 2009 and--quite frankly--I thought I was going crazy. Here I am...raised in a wonderful Christian home, attended a Christian university, a degree in Christian Education, went to Seminary, in Ministry since 16, counseled people on the very things I've dealt with and feeling, a Praise and Worship leader...and I'm going through THIS?! Shouldn't I know better? Shouldn't my Prayers for Peace be working? Is my Faith in God not strong enough to overcome all these thoughts/feelings/hurts/anger/confusion?

All those question and yet...He is still God. He is still Peace. He is still Love, Grace, Mercy, Deliverance, Refuge, Help, and Comfort. Despite what I'm feeling...He still "is."

So...I learned I'm not gonna' figure it out, I'm not gonna' understand, and I'm not gonna' control God. And...I rested. I'm still learning to rest. Do I still think about those things at times? Heck, yes...and I'm sure I will continue to do so. It's human nature.

I was having Faith in my Faith...not Him. I was having Faith in my Prayers...not Him. My focal point was my Faith. My Faith is MINE...not His.

I have placed God in a "Sand Mountain box." What I learned here about God must be true everywhere...right? Wrong. Thanks to a few people (and you know who you are) and "The Shack," my mind has seemed to open up a little on...well...everything. Of course, I still hold true to some very strict convictions that will never change. Those gray areas...they're a bit different now. God is an Absolute...no doubt in my mind about that. However, He reaches everyone in such a different, new, fresh, amazing, unconventional ways.

I've realized Christianity--though It should be the least selfish of all religions--is the most self-consumed organizations in the world. Perhaps I'm speaking based on my own inner discoveries...very possible. If that's the case, I'll continue by speaking in first person, as to not offend or assume.

It seems I've been so concerned with His plan for MY life, ME making it to Heaven, giving so I'LL reap the benefit, wanting to feel His Presence to make ME feel better, giving because it makes ME feel good. Human nature? I'm sure a lot of it is. I do believe, though, that it's the American church (notice the lower case "c") that teaches that mentality. My walk with Christ has been nothing but vertical when it should be more horizontal. Serve Him through serving others.

Less stuff. Less space. More life.

The world is bigger than MY world. God is bigger than MY God. He is more Gracious and Loving than MY God. I feel like I've just met Jesus again in many respects.

I won't dare make a New Year's resolution. I won't dare presume to know what 2010 holds. I do know that I won't be sittin' on my tail waiting for things to come to me. I do know I'm going to be more proactive in this world...making a difference, inspiring others to do so, and offering Hope to those around me.

I just want to "be." Be me.

My Mel...

"Lobster?!" "I want my doll!" "LEVEL 20!" "That ain't no house..." "You'll always be my firstborn."

I know...those phrases don't mean a thing to anybody else, but they mean the world to me. Melanie and I had a million inside jokes...I guess that's just what sisters do. We were so different, yet seemed to know exactly what the other was thinking at any given time. Just a look would do it and we'd both crack up laughing.

Christmas 2004...we were all at Mom and Dad's house. Keith and Debbie in the sunroom. Franklin and Paige in my bedroom. Mel and Paul in the back bedroom. The kids sleeping in the basement. Then...there's me. I always got the couch. Most everybody was in the bed and I was about to pass out. Melanie (being the night owl she was) was still up watching television. On her way to bed, she stopped by the couch, knelt down by the couch, grabbed my hands, looked at me very intently and said with tears in her eyes, "Let me tell you something...you will always be my firstborn. I did everything but give birth to you. I Love you more than you'll ever understand and you make me so proud."

There are moments that seem to freeze in time...moments that will forever be etched in one's memory. I will never forget that moment. I'll never forget the look in her eyes, the way she was holding my hands, the intensity of her words...I could feel her heart. Through the tears in my eyes, I memorized her face...her eyes...

Melanie couldn't have children. She and Paul tried for years...tried everything. She and I even talked about me being a surrogate mother...and we were both extremely serious about it. Being 13 years older than me, she always "mothered" me...and she was always the one I went to for everything. She was the family mediator..."the boss." She started and ended conversations...always had the last word. ;-) She was the typical "oldest child"...and was the best at it. None of us ever fell through the cracks. Me, Keith, and Franklin...we were right under her wing. She would have it no other way.

When someone's missing a body part, it's obvious. It's very visible that a part of them isn't there. Probably a horrible analogy, but it's the best I've got...a large part of me has been gone for four years. It wasn't something I expected...not something I was prepared for. In a heartbeat, our whole world changed. Time definitely makes it more manageable, but it doesn't make the emotional and physical hurt go away. I'll never be 100% again...

I've struggled the past four years with a few things. When someone asks how many brothers and sisters I have...what do I say? Not too long ago, someone asked how Melanie was doing. What's the best way to handle that and not bust into tears? Is it okay to tell stories about her, to talk about things she taught me, to mention her in conversation? Is it bad that it's still difficult to refer to her in past tense...or that I still say, "The day everything happened" or "When we lost Melanie..." Is it bad that four years have passed and it gets more difficult as time goes by?

My parents work on the Emmaus Walk...coming back from one today. Before they left, my Mom called me and said one of the ladies that would be at her table had a daughter who passed away suddenly in March. I asked her if she was okay with that...if she would be okay handling that situation. She said, "Absolutely. I'm absolutely fine in being able to Minister to her. I know how the Lord has given me strength and I'm absolutely happy to share that with another who has experienced such a loss." Her response really didn't surprise me at all. I've seen the true strength of a mother through her these past years. She worked on an Emmaus Walk about three months after losing Melanie and did the same thing...Ministered to a lady who had just lost her child. My mother...her strength never ceases to amaze me.

Been through a lot these past four years...emotionally and physically. The world has changed a lot since 2005. I would give anything to know what her brilliant and outspoken mind would be thinking and saying about all these changes. She would be on the edge of her seat waiting to talk some politics and put people in their place. She'd be sick of Rush, hating some FOX News, and probably diggin' some Obama.

To those around me a lot...I'm sorry if I bore you with Melanie stories (although...there was absolutely nothing about her that was boring). She's just a part of who I am...always will be. She helped shape and form me for 29 years...my sister, second mother, mentor, best friend, and hero.

I don't understand why we lost Melanie. I've never seen--and may never see--one good thing that has come from it. I've gone through different seasons of grief...maybe I always will. I'm not sure. I do, however, know I've experienced our Father in a completely different way. I was very hurt and angry at God for a time after losing her, but I never doubted my Faith...I just found Him in a new way.

Losing Melanie was the defining moment in my life. I'm choosing to move forward in my Faith...and taking her with me. No one...absolutely no one...will ever come close to her in my eyes. I didn't deserve her...the world didn't deserve her. I'm excited knowing I will be with her again...forever. I'm homesick now more than ever.

I Love you, Mel...

The Present...

Sittin' at the crib, sippin' on a cold Diet Dr. Pepper, crunchin' on a chocolate rice cake with peanut butter on top, and watchin' Kitty and Gracie play with chew toys and chase each other's tails. Life is...sweet.

Thinkin' about a lot of random things right now: what an amazing, wonderful, beautiful, merciful, and Loving God I serve...how Blessed I am, yet so undeserving of every single thing He's allowed me to have...how my biggest hurt and complaint pales in comparison to the real issues numerous people deal with...and how I believe the Lord is teaching me how to chill the heck out. ;-)

It's becoming more and more clear to me how hard I've been on myself these past several years. There's no way I've judged anybody as much as I've judged myself...no way I've punished anybody as much as I've punished myself. For years and years, I've held myself in the lowest of esteems...treated myself as if I'm the most horrible person on the planet. I'm not sure it's so much of a reflection of what I've felt about me as it is how I've viewed God. It's a bit ironic how I've sang about, counseled on, and told others about God's boundless Love, yet all I've pictured Him as in my life is a stern Judge.

These past few months have been a joyous uncomfort in my life. To most, that phrase would be a blatant oxymoron. To me, however, it is a wonderful reality. I've gone through some trying moments in figuring out what I believe and why I believe it...the things I consider "wrong" versus the things my culture/environment have labeled as "sin." Quite honestly, I'm still figuring those things out...and I've come to the conclusion it's probably going to be a lifelong process. I'm okay with that. We were designed to continually learn, change, grow, and respond.

The world stretches a lot wider and longer than my tiny little corner. Never meaning to and certainly never intentionally, I've placed God in this small little box and have seen what's "right" and "wrong" as viewed by the culture and people I'm surrounded by. There are Biblical truths and personal convictions I refuse to compromise. However, I'm believing--and learning to believe more and more--that God's Grace, Mercy, and Love runs a lot deeper, stronger, and more powerful than I've ever imagined...ever could imagine. He's not a set of rules or laws I have to live by. Rather, He's a Love I can live in, follow, imitate, and grow in.

So, yeah...I'm learning to lay a lot of stuff down. Most of all, I'm discovering that I'm not really that bad of a person! I've got some stuff to offer. Some people reading may interpret that one statement as a bit bragadocious, but...I don't care. If you only knew where I've been, what I've thought about myself, how I've treated myself over the years...you'd be a bit more Forgiving of that sentence.

I embrace my past, for I know it's what has shaped every part of who I am. I'm excited about my future 'cause I know and understand Who's there, Who is planning it, and Who has gone before me. While keeping those two tenses in mind and thankful for both, I must say...I'm finally at Peace with the "now" and learning more and more to enjoy it...

He is God I Am...forever living in the present, so that's where I want to remain.

Mr. Ables...

So I found out early this morning that one of my favorite teachers, a dear friend, and a Geraldine school legend passed away. Mr. Martin Ables...a name extremely familiar to so many in and beyond DeKalb County.

I've always known him...he's been like a family member to the Hiett family. Absolutely could NOT wait to have him as a teacher...he was legendary. His room was the coolest, his style of teaching was the most unique, and his passion for education was beyond belief. Two of my favorite things about his classroom: the library loft he built in the back and the mannequin standing beside his door. We always knew by how the mannequin was dressed what we would be learning that day. He had an outfit for everything.

I LOVED taking tests in his room (I know...sounds crazy) 'cause he always played classical music on the tape player (wow...a long time ago...TAPE player!). I can't remember how many times my eye was almost put out from him calling out our names and slinging our report cards at us. That was the ONLY thing exciting about report card day...it definitely wasn't because of my grades!

Perhaps my all-time favorite memory at Geraldine school was the hike we took to the mill, which would later become his house. The whole sixth grade class walked from the school, through the woods, and all the way to the place he was remodeling so he could live in it. He'd stop us along the way and show us a random plant or give us a brief history lesson on a random building we passed. He had a vision. WE didn't see it at the time...too much bird poop and lots of rotted wood. But, man...Mr. Ables was passionate about it. One of the coolest things at that time was in his sunroom. The cement had five minutes to dry and he had the sudden and brilliant idea to carve out a sun. Perfection. It looked amazing...still does.

He brought everything to life...made learning and being creative fun. He made me wanna' stay in the sixth grade forever just to be in his class again and again.

That house...MAN! That house!!!!! What a landmark in Geraldine...in DeKalb County. He brought the world to that house. It might be from a vase he bought in Italy or a random and unique clock he spotted and bought for a dollar at a yardsale. No matter where it came from, he made it the coolest thing ever. He opened that house up to so many...one being my family for my sister's wedding reception. Couldn't have gotten any better than that day and couldn't have meant more to the family knowing it was at Mr. Ables' house.

What a friend. What a servant. What an educator. What a passionate heart for the things of the world. What a MIND!!!!!

He had this crazy ability to take something someone would discard or count as useless trash and turn it into something priceless. I should know...he did that with me and about a thousand other students passing through his class.

I can't help but be jealous of him today. First and foremost, he is at the feet of our Father...and I know Jesus is smiling on him today. And...he's hugging my sister right now. Wow...what great friends they were!!!!! How hilarious they were together!!!!! They should've written a book...I'm convinced. Such a bittersweet feeling right now.

So many memories. So many laughs. So many teachable moments. So many times sitting at his house, playing cards, laughing at crazy random stuff, and leaving his house feeling as if I just had a valuable and inspiring moment.

Mr. Ables...thank you. You were and forever will be greatly Loved and appreciated for everything you were to so many. Such a man of character and integrity. Your legacy will be carried on through every student you had. You didn't just teach us, you inspired us.

Enjoy your new life. Can't wait to see you again. Please give my Melanie a big hug and tell her I'll be there soon.

I Love you...

Alright...

So...just gonna' lay out some things I've been feeling the past week or so. May not be Theologically, emotionally, or grammatically correct, but it's just how I'm feeling these days...

I'm working in a job where I see so many people with such hurt and hopelessness. Almost everyday, I hear another story of abuse, neglect, sadness, and ignorance. People come in my office or court and I can see it in their eyes...they're hurting. Whatever issue has plagued them throughout their life, it has been the stumblingblock that has somehow prevented them from reaching their potential.

These people come in my office and sit across from me...each one telling a different story of abandonment, loss, fear, etc. Some anger me. Some break my heart. Some amaze me. I always have Christian music playing in the background...always just loud enough for them to hear. I have to print lots of papers and leave the room to go to the printer. I Pray each time I leave that some sort of phrase will catch their attention...some words of Hope will flood their mind and the Lord will replay it continuously in their hearts. At some point during each case appointment, I try to make really good eye contact just to let them know someone IS listening...someone DOES care. Each time I look at them, I can't help but think, "What could they have been? What will become of them after they leave here? Can I speak just one word of Peace or Comfort that will somehow change their whole frame of mind and life?"

The adults hurt my heart, but it's the children they bring in that absolutely rip my heart apart. Some are infants...some are toddlers. Whatever the case, I Pray silently over them as I look at their faces and into their eyes. "Lord...please send someone to guide them to You."

Over the years, I've had the privilege of sitting down and talking with numerous people about issues in their life. Maybe it's relationship issues. Maybe it's financial issues. Perhaps it's self-esteem issues. Whatever that "thing" is, it has stopped them in their tracks and they can't seem to move forward. It's this momentary pause that can last for years--even a lifetime--for people.

My heart is breaking for people. I literally hurt at times for those who have never had someone in their life to speak words of encouragement. There are those who've been walking the Earth for years upon years and have no idea what they're here for, what they were created for, what their gifts are, and how important they are.

I know words of encouragement can't take away the pain people have experienced in their lives. I'm not naive enough to think it's the one thing that can push people into their destiny and purpose. However, I am saying it could be enough to change the way they think about themselves...to plunge them into a life of Hope. HOPE...a four letter word that could alter the whole course of a life, yet so many don't know about.

It's amazing what a hug can do for someone. A "good game," high five, pat on the back, a "good job,"...gosh...anything to make someone smile. Anything to get someone through the day. Anything to make someone know they're WORTH something.

Yes...I want to be married. Yes...I want to have children. My deepest desire is to have my own family. However, I feel the Lord speaking something deep in my spirit telling me to simply Love people. I don't care what you've done. I don't care where you've been. I don't care what religion you are, if you hate religion period, what denomination you choose, what doctrine you believe, or if you flat out hate me. Love. If it takes me remaining single the rest of my life to show just one person how much they're worth in the eyes of the Father...I'll do it.

I Peter 4:8 (The Message)...

"Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in Prayer. Most of all, Love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anythnig. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless--cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God's words; if help, let it be God's hearty help. That way, God's bright Presence will be evident in everything through Jesus and He'll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything--encores to the end of time."

My goodness...what Words!!!!! The past few days have brought an unexpected renewal in my passion for Jesus. My deepest Prayer is that someone could see just one ounce of resemblance of the Father in me. That someone--somehow and in some way--could see just a hint of Jesus in my life so that they can know Him. My heart has softened in His Presence...in His Glory. My God...how great You are!!!!!

Find what you're good at. Use it to further the Kingdom of God. Acts 10:38 says, "Jesus went about doing good." That's the key...do "good" everywhere you go. You never know what one act or phrase of kindness will do for someone. Show one person their worth and they can change the world around them.