Deep Thoughts by Sherrie Hiett...

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING WORDS MAY NOT MAKE A LICK OF SENSE TO ANYONE READING AND--IF THEY DO MAKE SENSE--MAY CAUSE SEVERE BRAIN OVERLOAD.

Been thinkin' a lot about 2009. It's a year I would rather forget in many respects. I understand we learn from our mistakes and they make us a better person and we should never regret anything and they'll only make us stronger...blah blah blah. BUT...I'd still like to take a giant eraser and make some memories a complete blank.

I experienced a lot of "firsts" last year (not one "first" in particular, so...get your mind out've the gutter, please). I did a lot of things, said a lot of things, went to a lot of places, and reached a lot of low's I never thought I would or could. I became a person I didn't even know...and I never want to know again.

2009 = Humbling...

I did, however, come to a lot of conclusions during those twelve long, weird, exciting, terrible, wonderful, awkward, stupid months. A lot of what I experienced emotionally probably just comes with age, I'm sure. True self-discovery is never easy, I've learned. It's a process that takes a toll on the emotions...and on the body. My mental state completely affected my physical health. The Word says in Proverbs 17:22, "...a broken spirit drains your strength."

I resolved that I am who I am...and that's not a bad thing. I Love deeply, I'm shy at times and outspoken at times, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm "Sappy McFlappy," I Love encouraging others and helping them see there's a beauty in their past no matter what they've done, and...I'm a work in progress.

I Love people, but find I judge too harshly when I shouldn't judge at all. I do the things I don't want to do and don't do the things I know I should. Though I don't want to be, I find I'm double-minded in some areas. I know my marriage is in God's Hands and timing, but I'm lonely and almost hurt/mad at God for making me wait. I believe completely in the Lord's unconditional Grace and Mercy for others, yet feel everyday I've been a huge disappointment to Him. I believe there's a beauty in vulnerability, but so afraid people won't Love me once they truly know me.

WHEW!!!!!

All of the above came crashing down on me in 2009 and--quite frankly--I thought I was going crazy. Here I am...raised in a wonderful Christian home, attended a Christian university, a degree in Christian Education, went to Seminary, in Ministry since 16, counseled people on the very things I've dealt with and feeling, a Praise and Worship leader...and I'm going through THIS?! Shouldn't I know better? Shouldn't my Prayers for Peace be working? Is my Faith in God not strong enough to overcome all these thoughts/feelings/hurts/anger/confusion?

All those question and yet...He is still God. He is still Peace. He is still Love, Grace, Mercy, Deliverance, Refuge, Help, and Comfort. Despite what I'm feeling...He still "is."

So...I learned I'm not gonna' figure it out, I'm not gonna' understand, and I'm not gonna' control God. And...I rested. I'm still learning to rest. Do I still think about those things at times? Heck, yes...and I'm sure I will continue to do so. It's human nature.

I was having Faith in my Faith...not Him. I was having Faith in my Prayers...not Him. My focal point was my Faith. My Faith is MINE...not His.

I have placed God in a "Sand Mountain box." What I learned here about God must be true everywhere...right? Wrong. Thanks to a few people (and you know who you are) and "The Shack," my mind has seemed to open up a little on...well...everything. Of course, I still hold true to some very strict convictions that will never change. Those gray areas...they're a bit different now. God is an Absolute...no doubt in my mind about that. However, He reaches everyone in such a different, new, fresh, amazing, unconventional ways.

I've realized Christianity--though It should be the least selfish of all religions--is the most self-consumed organizations in the world. Perhaps I'm speaking based on my own inner discoveries...very possible. If that's the case, I'll continue by speaking in first person, as to not offend or assume.

It seems I've been so concerned with His plan for MY life, ME making it to Heaven, giving so I'LL reap the benefit, wanting to feel His Presence to make ME feel better, giving because it makes ME feel good. Human nature? I'm sure a lot of it is. I do believe, though, that it's the American church (notice the lower case "c") that teaches that mentality. My walk with Christ has been nothing but vertical when it should be more horizontal. Serve Him through serving others.

Less stuff. Less space. More life.

The world is bigger than MY world. God is bigger than MY God. He is more Gracious and Loving than MY God. I feel like I've just met Jesus again in many respects.

I won't dare make a New Year's resolution. I won't dare presume to know what 2010 holds. I do know that I won't be sittin' on my tail waiting for things to come to me. I do know I'm going to be more proactive in this world...making a difference, inspiring others to do so, and offering Hope to those around me.

I just want to "be." Be me.