New York State Of Mind...

Today is "that day." October 25th. How do I feel about it? I really don't know.

I remember that first October 25th after "it" happened. I relived every moment. I remembered how Paul told me Melanie was "gone" and how I had to tell my parents and brothers. I remember the look on my mother's face and her horrifying cry. I remember my Dad grabbing his chest and his look of such hurt and anguish. I remember falling down in the yard and throwing up. I relived it all.

I remember the second October 25th. When October 1st rolled around, I started dreading "that day." I learned that year that the dread of the day is worse than the actual day itself.

I remember the third and fourth October 25th's. I was prepared for it...knew how I was gonna' feel and knew the right words to say when people asked how I was doing.

Then...there's the fifth October 25th. And...I really don't know how I feel about it. This one is so different for me. I'm in a different state with different people at a different church and in different weather. Everything's just...different. I feel different. I look different. Even the word "different" is starting to sound different.

Years ago, Mel moved to Pittsburgh to work at a newspaper. She moved there knowing no one, with no one, and having no place to live. After spending a few days with her in an unsuccessful effort to help her find an apartment, my parents and I left her at a hotel and headed back to Alabama. I'll never forget turning around, waving, and crying. I watched her until I could no longer see her hand waving. The look on her face...it was one of complete fear, excitement, and accomplishment.

Melanie wasn't afraid of anything...except spiders.

One day, she was walking through my parents' living room and came to a sudden halt...her eyes crossed. She was face-to-face with a spider who was all balled up and dangling from the ceiling fan. Melanie screamed in complete terror. If you've ever heard her squeal, you understand how loud it was. Apparently, spiders can hear 'cause this one starting wiggling its legs and trying to get away. I think the spider was more scared than she was. Realizing she "owned" the situation, Mel stood there and screamed over and over and over just to torture it.

Melanie was single and way overweight. She started most of her newspaper jobs (Decatur, Florence, Pensacola, USA Today, Pittsburgh, Knoxville, and Columbus) not knowing one person. The odds were stacked against her most times, but she walked in with her head held high and left there owning every situation. People fell in Love with her everywhere she went.

I used to think Melanie and I were a lot alike. During this move, I've realized how far beneath her I am. I think she'd be extremely proud of me for stepping out and leaving my comfort zone, but I think she'd be completely disappointed with my attitude and my fear.

For years, I've put my life on hold waiting for that "that guy." I've complained for a long, long time about feeling alone, worthless, etc. I seem to be really good at feeling sorry for myself...looking at what I DON'T have rather than what I DO have. Melanie felt those same feelings, but she sure didn't waste a lot of time getting down and out about it. She made the most of EVERY situation. I...do not.

Five years and one day ago, we had our last phone conversation. During that conversation, she convinced me to move to Columbus, GA. That day, she begged me to pursue my dreams and quit putting my life on hold. We talked about living so close to each other...going places and doing things together. We were both so excited, laughing so hard, and squealing so loud. During that conversation, she convinced me I could do and be anything, go anywhere, and accomplish anything I wanted to accomplish. During that conversation, I felt like my life was about to change forever.

So...here it is five years later. I haven't forgotten that conversation. I haven't forgotten that feeling...that excitement...that confidence...that boldness.

Melanie...I'm listening. I'm doing it. I remember your voice...I remember your words.

"Only you can make the decision to truly live. Only you can decide to live the life you were intended to live...and with all the potential you were intended to live it with."

Okay, Mel...let's do this.